This month has been crazy. First, I have been trying to get back into being a Wilton Method Cake Decorating Instructor. I was hired in September but have yet to get a time slot that works at the store, so classes are being cancelled. Then there was the Grief Group we have been attending. It ended on the 18th. It was kind of weird not having to go out this past Tuesday night. Then my hubby was sick, then my son and now I am not doing to well. On top of this we are trying to complete the renos on the basement and I am trying to get ready for Halloween.
Also this month was the first time I was able to think about Ashlyn and smile. Yes, I got a bit teary too but at least I could remember her and smile.
I miss her so much and at the same time it is almost like a dream the time we had together. There are so many things I regret not doing and things that we did I wish we hadn't. I think the biggest is the one evening we went up to the hospital and I fed her and was holding her but my hubby was saying we had to leave and get Connor home. Connor needed to get to bed there was school tomorrow and hubby needed to work in the morning. I sat there looking at the clock wanting just a bit more time because Ashlyn was not settling down to sleep like she usually did. I didn't want to leave her when she was awake. We ended up speaking to the nurse and she told us to put her into the bouncy chair and slide it near the door so that she could keep an eye on her. We did it and left her there. That haunts me now. How could I have done that to her? Just left her sitting there? It drives me crazy. I know she came home and was not the worse for it. It probably wouldn't bother me so much if she were still with us but she isn't and it does.
