Received the Report

The report came in the mail today.  We sat down and read it.  It appears that other than a few abnormalities associated with her Down Syndrome, she was in great shape.  The report states that she died of the stroke but that there were no other lethal diseases or malformations, which tells me that without the stroke she may have grown up.  They do say that the DS complicated things but they didn't explain how.  They also didn't have any mention of the CPAP.  We have a call into the ME office to find out what the CPAP had to say.  We are curious as to when she actually had the stroke.  The autopsy report has her time of death being 8:13 in the morning but we both know it happened a while before that.  So now we wait again.  They said they would call back around 2:00 pm but we shall see. 

My poor little girl. I wish I had taken more pictures of her when she was home and didn't have the NG tube or duederm on anymore. 

Report is in

Well, on Thursday we received a call from the ME.  The autopsy report is finished.  We should get it in the next 7 to 14 days.  My poor little Ashlyn died of a stroke.  I believe technically it was a Cerebellar Infarction caused by complications due to her Down Syndrome.  What the hell does that mean?  We were pretty devastated all day.  We had been thinking her heart had given out or that the CPAP had not functioned properly.  We didn't even see this coming.  I guess the ME told my hubby that there was nothing that could have been done.  Even if she had been in the hospital, they couldn't have saved her and if  by some miracle they had, she would have been badly brain damaged.  I never wanted her to live her life on machines and it seems she didn't either.  This sucks because I just want my baby.  Wherever we go and do I think, would Ashlyn have liked this?  Ashlyn should be here.  I should have seen her grow up but that will never happen.  My hubby is comforted by the fact that there is nothing we could have done but part of me still doesn't believe it.  Why didn't someone know this was going to happen?  Why didn't they check her blood pressure?  My grief counsellor is going to try to arrange an autopsy review so that we can go over the report with a doctor and have it explained in more detail.

August

Summer is almost over, can you believe it?  My garden is struggling this year.  We moved it so it would get more sunlight but the soil sucks.  And then there is watering.  I have dropped the ball on that one a bit this year.

Ashlyn is making her pressence known a bit more lately.  I don't know why.  Maybe because I am trying to 'normalize' my life too soon.  I don't know.  I just know that I am out of sorts more lately.  I cry alot.  I wish she was here and worry about where she is.  I worry that she is all alone.  I know that an older person could walk on to wherever it is people go but how does a baby get there?  I hate the thought that she is lost or 'stuck' somewhere.  But there is no way to know anything.