It is pouring rain, again. This past week has been so depressing because of the rain and gloomy skys. Yesterday was the 2 month anniversary since Ashlyn died. I don't know how I will handle next month when she will be dead longer than she was alive. I am trying to get more sleep. The doctor put me on pills but they don't seem to work very well. It still takes forever to get to sleep. I am still waking up in the middle of the night and now I am groggy all day. This just sucks.
Saturday will be the memorial for lost children at the Alberta Children's hospital. We are going but I don't know how I am going to handle it. I miss my baby so much.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Ashlyn's Tree
So we have now planted Ashlyn's tree - a Showy Mountain Ash. It is still quite young but I hope it will make it. Once we have the flower bed around it finished I will be able to take a picture and post it.
Mother's Day came and went and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Perhaps because I wasn't at home much. I ended up at my own parent's house and the day was passed pretty uneventfully. I ended up having a bad day a few days later. I haven't been sleeping very well since Ashlyn died. I even had one day when I was up until 5:00 am and had to be up again by 10:00 to take care of my son. That was a weird day.
Well last week I ended up in a bad way. I went to bed and just couldn't stop thinking then I had what I can only describe as a flashback. I could see Ashlyn lying in her bed all over again, cold and still. I began to hyperventilate and sob. It felt like I had lost all control. I just couldn't get the image out of my head. I went down to see my hubby and cried with him for awhile before he took me back up to bed.
It is so strange. Most days, it is like she is just out of reach. Like she is behind a pane of glass or something and I just can't get to her. It is frustrating. I miss her so much. I finally went to see my doctor a couple of days ago and she prescribed some sleeping pills to get me back to a regular schedule. I don't know how well they are working yet and I have to be careful with them as they can be addicting.
Life was so simple and perfect only seven weeks ago - now it is broken and so crappy.
Mother's Day came and went and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Perhaps because I wasn't at home much. I ended up at my own parent's house and the day was passed pretty uneventfully. I ended up having a bad day a few days later. I haven't been sleeping very well since Ashlyn died. I even had one day when I was up until 5:00 am and had to be up again by 10:00 to take care of my son. That was a weird day.
Well last week I ended up in a bad way. I went to bed and just couldn't stop thinking then I had what I can only describe as a flashback. I could see Ashlyn lying in her bed all over again, cold and still. I began to hyperventilate and sob. It felt like I had lost all control. I just couldn't get the image out of my head. I went down to see my hubby and cried with him for awhile before he took me back up to bed.
It is so strange. Most days, it is like she is just out of reach. Like she is behind a pane of glass or something and I just can't get to her. It is frustrating. I miss her so much. I finally went to see my doctor a couple of days ago and she prescribed some sleeping pills to get me back to a regular schedule. I don't know how well they are working yet and I have to be careful with them as they can be addicting.
Life was so simple and perfect only seven weeks ago - now it is broken and so crappy.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Mother's Day
How I dread tomorrow. Mother's Day. My son is expecting a good day but I miss Ashlyn so much. Today was hard. Walking through the mall with other mothers and babies, wondering what I did so wrong that I couldn't keep mine. When I remember the little things she used to do, how she used to look when I asked her if she was hungry, or how she would stretch every morning on her changing table, I start with a smile and end in tears. I just want to hold her again. I found the following poem online a couple of years ago following one of my miscarriages. I used it as the ending to Ashlyn's Video which was played at her funeral. I don't know who wrote it.
The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn’t bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the World in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts now what to do.
For every beating of our hearts
Says that we love you.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
"A Walk to Remember" by Kathie Rataj Mayo
I walk to remember
the steps you'll never take.
 |
| Ashlyn's Last Picture |
I carry you with me as I firmly plant my feet.
Our trek started long ago,
before my belly swelled.
You were a love that grew-
like butterfly wings that beat.
Your gentle flutters then became
kicks upon which I would dwell.
And I would talk to you, sweet babe,
and the world you soon would meet.
The sun always shone upon us then-
when you were in my womb.
And I was eager to show you the world
that you would have been your home.
How you'd have loved the sun shining-
blue skies without a cloud.
The autumn leaves turning-
the snow falling all around.
The flowers in the summer
would have filled your eyes with smiles.
And the rain that might have fallen
would have caused you great surprise.
You would have traveled far with me-
holding me by the hand.
And I'd have shown you all I could-
more than I can imagine.
You hold my HEART tightly now,
as though we're holding hands.
How far we've traveled, little one-
and my life with you has been sweet.
For I carry you in my heart, as I firmly plant my feet.
Funeral
March 25, 2011. The day Ashlyn died. It was a strange day. After I told the doctors to let her go my hubby finally arrived. I didn't even tell him about Ashlyn, my Dad did. I can't remember when my Mom got there. Things are kind of blurry now. They asked if we were ready to see Ashlyn (I had asked about this earlier). My son, Connor, was off with the social worker and we, my hubby and I and my parents, went to say good-bye to Ashlyn. I remember that I almost passed out walking down the short hall. I kept thinking "I can't do this, but I have to." There were other EMS techs, doctors and nurses in the hall. Everyone got really quiet as we walked down that hall. Just before we went into the trauma room, the police officers stopped Greg and told them how sorry they were. I guess they had spoken to the doctors and the investigation on their part was now closed. We then continued on into the room.
Little Ashlyn lay swaddled up in a small white hospital blanket. She was still intubated because they couldn't remove the tube until the Medical Examiner got there to do a preliminary examination. I just looked at her still little body. She didn't look right. It wasn't her. She wasn't there anymore. My poor baby. Each of us held her and told her how much we loved her. I was surprised by how heavy she felt, how very cold. I rocked her and told her how sorry I was. I was sure that if I had gotten up sooner I could have saved her. It was all my fault. My poor baby was gone.
My hubby wanted to know if we should bring Connor in to see her. He is only 5 years old. We weren't sure how much he would understand. We asked the nurse, he didn't know what to say. Finally we decided to ask Connor what he wanted. I guess he decided to say good-bye because my hubby led him into the room with him. My little man walked over to Ashlyn and told her good-bye and that he loved her. He gave her a "poked nose" with his finger and then left the room with my hubby to return to playing with the police officers. I think it was then that they said the ME had arrived and would need to see Ashlyn.
We left the room and went back to the Quiet Room. Sometime that morning I the social worker had explained that as this was an unexpected and unexplained death the ME would be involved. The ME would be coming to speak to us at some point to discuss what would happen next. We waited in that little room for a few more moments before the ME came in. She asked us about Ashlyn's medical history and about our routines at home. She advised that she would have to return to our home and take pictures of Ashlyn's bedroom. I asked if there was going to be an autopsy. My hubby said he wanted one. The ME said they had to do one. I said I really didn't want one. I know what an autopsy entailed and I really didn't want my little girl put through that. But again, as with most of her short life, I had no say in the matter.
We were told we could go and say our final good-byes to Ashlyn before she was moved the ME's office. We went back into the room. I think everyone held her once again. I held her last. I rocked her little body, so cold, so still. I was torn. I didn't want to leave her there but also knew it wasn't her anymore. What made Ashlyn, Ashlyn was gone. I kissed her cold cheek and told her to be a good girl then I handed her to the nurse and left the room.
We returned to house. Connor and I went with the police and my hubby went with the ME. We all arrived at the house about the same time. There had been a police car in front of the house all the time we were gone. My house was a disaster area. I hadn't done much cleaning since Ashlyn had been born. All my time had been concentrated on her. But strangely enough I wasn't so embarrassed, that would come later. The ME, one police officer and my Hubby went upstairs to Ashlyn's room. The other police officer stayed downstairs, talking to the dog and my son. I went upstairs and watched as the ME asked a few more questions, took pictures and bagged up Ashlyn's blankets and CPAP for the investigation. Everyone left the house. We were finally alone and I just collapsed to the floor crying for my baby.
The next week went by fairly quickly. We received a call from the ME later on Friday and were advised that all they had found so far was an abnormal heart, that it was likely she died of heart failure. We are going to have to wait about 6 months for the final report. My sister-in-law came down from Cold Lake to help us out. She had lost her first son years before and knew what we were going through. Ashlyn's body was to be released on Monday and we made arrangements for the funeral home to pick her up. My hubby and I and my parents went to the funeral home to make the arrangements for her funeral. We picked out a pretty pink and lace casket. We decided that she would be cremated so that she could come with us wherever we went. We are military brats so moving is always a possibility. When we decide on a place for my hubby and I, she will be put to rest with us.
On the Wednesday, my hubby, my sister-in-law and I went for a private viewing at the funeral home. My hubby said he needed to see her. She had spent so much time in the hospital - longer than she had at home - that he was having a hard time believing she was gone and not just at the hospital. So we went. Connor stayed with my parents. We walked into the funeral home and were led to a set of wooden double doors. They had a guest book at the doors and a rose for us, which we could put in the casket if we chose. I was okay until we walked into the room and I saw her lying there in her pretty pink casket at the far end of the room. I began to sob. When I finally calmed enough I walked over to look down at her. She was dressed in her little pink outfit that we had brought her home from the hospital in and wearing her the matching hat. But it wasn't her. It didn't even really look like her, at least not to me. Her skin was icy cold and felt more like leather when you touched it then the petal soft skin she had. We cried and cried.
A second private viewing was held on Friday. We went to the funeral home with the things we were going to place into her casket. A picture of my hubby and I holding her, a picture of Connor holding her, a yellow rose (from my hubby's mom), the baby blanket I had made, the teddy our son wanted to give her, and a small braid of sweet grass to help her on her way when the time came. My family was there and my hubby's brother had made it out from Ontario. People went into the little room and said good-bye. My son ran in and out of the room giving "poked noses" to Ashlyn. Finally it was time to leave. My son said good-bye to his sister and cried a little.
We held Ashlyn's funeral on April 2. It was a week and a day following her death. It was again a wintery and stormy day. I dressed in my black pants and shirt. One of our friends came and took my son to their house because he didn't want to attend the funeral. He had said good-bye for the final time the night before during the viewing. We went to the funeral home and were met there by the rest of my family.
I went through alot of Kleenex that morning. I touched her skin and slid my finger under her sleeper to stroke her arm. I wanted to know if it felt any different where there wasn't any make up. It did. It was a little softer but just as cold. She smelled of baby powder. Finally it was time to close the casket. My hubby picked her up and we wrapped her in her blanket for the last time. Carefully she was placed back into her casket with all of her things and the lid was closed.
Many more people attended Ashlyn's funeral than I expected. My hubby and I did well with the eulogy. I had written it and didn't think it would be so hard to read but it was. He picked up where I stumbled. The celebrant who led the service was very good. Following the service there was a short reception. Once it was over and it was time to leave I didn't want to go. To leave meant that it was really over, Ashlyn was really gone. But we couldn't stay and so we left and went back to my parent's house for the remainder of the day.
Little Ashlyn lay swaddled up in a small white hospital blanket. She was still intubated because they couldn't remove the tube until the Medical Examiner got there to do a preliminary examination. I just looked at her still little body. She didn't look right. It wasn't her. She wasn't there anymore. My poor baby. Each of us held her and told her how much we loved her. I was surprised by how heavy she felt, how very cold. I rocked her and told her how sorry I was. I was sure that if I had gotten up sooner I could have saved her. It was all my fault. My poor baby was gone.
My hubby wanted to know if we should bring Connor in to see her. He is only 5 years old. We weren't sure how much he would understand. We asked the nurse, he didn't know what to say. Finally we decided to ask Connor what he wanted. I guess he decided to say good-bye because my hubby led him into the room with him. My little man walked over to Ashlyn and told her good-bye and that he loved her. He gave her a "poked nose" with his finger and then left the room with my hubby to return to playing with the police officers. I think it was then that they said the ME had arrived and would need to see Ashlyn.
We left the room and went back to the Quiet Room. Sometime that morning I the social worker had explained that as this was an unexpected and unexplained death the ME would be involved. The ME would be coming to speak to us at some point to discuss what would happen next. We waited in that little room for a few more moments before the ME came in. She asked us about Ashlyn's medical history and about our routines at home. She advised that she would have to return to our home and take pictures of Ashlyn's bedroom. I asked if there was going to be an autopsy. My hubby said he wanted one. The ME said they had to do one. I said I really didn't want one. I know what an autopsy entailed and I really didn't want my little girl put through that. But again, as with most of her short life, I had no say in the matter.
We were told we could go and say our final good-byes to Ashlyn before she was moved the ME's office. We went back into the room. I think everyone held her once again. I held her last. I rocked her little body, so cold, so still. I was torn. I didn't want to leave her there but also knew it wasn't her anymore. What made Ashlyn, Ashlyn was gone. I kissed her cold cheek and told her to be a good girl then I handed her to the nurse and left the room.
We returned to house. Connor and I went with the police and my hubby went with the ME. We all arrived at the house about the same time. There had been a police car in front of the house all the time we were gone. My house was a disaster area. I hadn't done much cleaning since Ashlyn had been born. All my time had been concentrated on her. But strangely enough I wasn't so embarrassed, that would come later. The ME, one police officer and my Hubby went upstairs to Ashlyn's room. The other police officer stayed downstairs, talking to the dog and my son. I went upstairs and watched as the ME asked a few more questions, took pictures and bagged up Ashlyn's blankets and CPAP for the investigation. Everyone left the house. We were finally alone and I just collapsed to the floor crying for my baby.
The next week went by fairly quickly. We received a call from the ME later on Friday and were advised that all they had found so far was an abnormal heart, that it was likely she died of heart failure. We are going to have to wait about 6 months for the final report. My sister-in-law came down from Cold Lake to help us out. She had lost her first son years before and knew what we were going through. Ashlyn's body was to be released on Monday and we made arrangements for the funeral home to pick her up. My hubby and I and my parents went to the funeral home to make the arrangements for her funeral. We picked out a pretty pink and lace casket. We decided that she would be cremated so that she could come with us wherever we went. We are military brats so moving is always a possibility. When we decide on a place for my hubby and I, she will be put to rest with us.
On the Wednesday, my hubby, my sister-in-law and I went for a private viewing at the funeral home. My hubby said he needed to see her. She had spent so much time in the hospital - longer than she had at home - that he was having a hard time believing she was gone and not just at the hospital. So we went. Connor stayed with my parents. We walked into the funeral home and were led to a set of wooden double doors. They had a guest book at the doors and a rose for us, which we could put in the casket if we chose. I was okay until we walked into the room and I saw her lying there in her pretty pink casket at the far end of the room. I began to sob. When I finally calmed enough I walked over to look down at her. She was dressed in her little pink outfit that we had brought her home from the hospital in and wearing her the matching hat. But it wasn't her. It didn't even really look like her, at least not to me. Her skin was icy cold and felt more like leather when you touched it then the petal soft skin she had. We cried and cried.
A second private viewing was held on Friday. We went to the funeral home with the things we were going to place into her casket. A picture of my hubby and I holding her, a picture of Connor holding her, a yellow rose (from my hubby's mom), the baby blanket I had made, the teddy our son wanted to give her, and a small braid of sweet grass to help her on her way when the time came. My family was there and my hubby's brother had made it out from Ontario. People went into the little room and said good-bye. My son ran in and out of the room giving "poked noses" to Ashlyn. Finally it was time to leave. My son said good-bye to his sister and cried a little.
We held Ashlyn's funeral on April 2. It was a week and a day following her death. It was again a wintery and stormy day. I dressed in my black pants and shirt. One of our friends came and took my son to their house because he didn't want to attend the funeral. He had said good-bye for the final time the night before during the viewing. We went to the funeral home and were met there by the rest of my family.
I went through alot of Kleenex that morning. I touched her skin and slid my finger under her sleeper to stroke her arm. I wanted to know if it felt any different where there wasn't any make up. It did. It was a little softer but just as cold. She smelled of baby powder. Finally it was time to close the casket. My hubby picked her up and we wrapped her in her blanket for the last time. Carefully she was placed back into her casket with all of her things and the lid was closed.
Many more people attended Ashlyn's funeral than I expected. My hubby and I did well with the eulogy. I had written it and didn't think it would be so hard to read but it was. He picked up where I stumbled. The celebrant who led the service was very good. Following the service there was a short reception. Once it was over and it was time to leave I didn't want to go. To leave meant that it was really over, Ashlyn was really gone. But we couldn't stay and so we left and went back to my parent's house for the remainder of the day.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Final Day
It is now May. Ashlyn has been gone for 5 weeks. She was only home for 4 weeks before she died. She came home on February 25 and I found her cold and still in her crib on March 25.
There were so many people she didn't get the chance to meet. She came home and I spent most of my time, pumping, feeding, washing clothes and trying to make sure my son could still get to school. We were told she was doing fine. She was gaining weight. Ashlyn was at the upper end of the scale for weight gain. She was wearing her CPAP at night even though she didn't like it. She was eating like a little pig. Ashlyn was starting to interact with the family. Even Max our Golden Retriever was accepting her. He would lick her hand and sniff her over to make sure she was okay. If she started crying he would walk over to see what was wrong. On the other hand, the cat didn't really give her the time of day. Of course, Willow is getting on in years. Everything was going so well.
On the Thursday night we fed her like we always did. My hubby gave Ashlyn her bottle while I pumped. Then he headed up to bed while I sat up with her. Due to the possible issue of reflux she had to sit up 15 to 30 minutes after feeding. So I would sit with her at night because hubby had to get up early. I remember her lying on my chest. I would rub the top of her soft head with my chin and rub her back. I noticed that night that she had grown so much that her feet were finally reaching my waist and she wasn't the tiny little ball she used to be. I remember thinking I was going to miss that. Ashlyn was to be our last baby. My life felt complete.
I took her up to bed around 12:30 am. I rocked her gently in my arms while I slipped her tiny knitted hat on her head. The hat would keep her CPAP from slipping. I laid her gently in bed, put on her music - rather the sound of ocean waves - and slipped out of the room. I then got ready for bed and laid down for a few minutes to allow her to settle before I went back in to put on her CPAP. I got up around quarter to 1:00 and slipped into her room. I carefully slipped the nasal CPAP over her nose and tightened the straps. She made a little fuss and with her tiny fists tried to push the mask off. I quickly started the machine and then placed a hand on her tummy and gently rocked her. She settled. I stood at her bedside for a few minutes to make sure everything was in the right place, making sure the mask wasn't blocking her nose, making sure she was okay. I remember her little eyes opened just to slits and she looked at me for a minute. I told her goodnight and she closed her eyes as I slipped out of the room.
I decided not to turn on my alarm to wake me up because for the last few nights she had been waking me up to eat before the alarm went off. I decided that I would see how long she would be able to sleep. She was 2 and 1/2 months old. My son had been sleeping through the night by 3 months. Of course he was bigger and weighed more but I decided to see how it went.
I woke up around 6:15 and looked at the clock. She hadn't cried. I wondered if I should get up and wake her up. Should she have slept so long? I began to get an uneasy feeling. I tossed and turned for a few more minutes then decided I needed to get up. I went to the bathroom and then headed into her room. I don't think I will ever forget that morning for as long as I live.
The CPAP machine was still running. A blowing kind of noise. Ashlyn lay quiet and still. "Ashlyn" I said. She didn't move. I couldn't tell if she was breathing or not. Her little arms were lying close to either side of her head. She was on her back. Her blanket was folded down around her waist. I looked at her, a feeling of panic began to well up inside me. I placed my hand on her tummy and gently shook her "Ashlyn?" She was cold. I still couldn't tell if she was breathing. I shook her again. "Ashlyn!" The thought rushed into my head that perhaps something was wrong with the CPAP and it was smothering her. I riped it off her face. Terror rushed through me. "Ashlyn!" I tried to open her mouth but was afraid of hurting her and couldn't.
I picked her up and ran to our bedroom. I woke up my hubby. "I don't think Ashlyn is breathing." I so wanted him to tell me I was crazy and that everything was alright. I put her down on the bed beside him. His manner changed from "you're nuts" to concern when he placed his hand on her tummy for a moment. "Call 911." He ordered. I remember picking up the phone I don't remember dialling the number. He switched on the hands free and began to receive instructions on CPR. It is strange, we had both taken CPR before our son was born but I didn't remember anything at this point.
I ran downstairs to wait for the ambulance, to open the door. I remember standing at the window. Tears pouring down my face, wondering why it was taking them so long to get here. I kept saying, "where are you?" I heard my husband tell the 911 operator that Ashlyn was bleeding from her nose. I knew at that moment she was gone. "My baby is dead."
I heard the sirens before I saw the truck. It drove up as I unlocked the door. Two fireman in half gear stormed into the house and up the stairs. I followed them up and went into my son's room. I could see them pick her up off the floor and pound her on her back trying to start her breathing again. I told my son that Ashlyn was very sick and there were alot of people in the house. He was half asleep and didn't care. Hubby threw my clothes at me and told me to get dressed. Unfortunately they fell in the cat's water dish. I watched as the fireman and who knows who else took Ashlyn down the stairs and out of the house to the waiting ambulance.
I don't really remember what happened next. I do remember getting dressed. I don't remember leaving my son's room or how I got into my room. I don't remember going downstairs but I do remember my hubby telling me to get Ashlyn's Alberta Health card and to give it to the EMS. I grabbed my coat, don't remember which one, and headed outside. I walked to the back of the ambulance and knocked on the door. I asked if they needed the card. The EMS tech said no, get in the front. Then she slammed the door. I stood there in the snow and cold, crying, not knowing what to do.
I stood beside the ambulance, probably in shock. A police officer asked me if I was going with the ambulance. I said I didn't know. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. He said he would check and headed back into the house. I stood there for a few minutes then decided that if I was going with the ambulance I would need my cell phone. I walked back into the house. The police officer was standing at the stairs. He told me I was going with the ambulance. I said I need my phone. Hubby said you aren't calling anyone, I will. I said I need my phone and went to get it. I don't remember getting the phone. I just remember that I had it and I went out to get into the front seat of the ambulance.
It seemed to take forever before the tech got into the front seat to drive. She said I would have to tell her the quickest way to get out of our neighbourhood. I remember giving instructions. I remember issues with getting out of the cul-de-sac. I remember driving down the street. I guess we were moving pretty fast but it didn't seem so to me. I remember the lights were on. There was a point when the other EMS tech in the back popped his head in to say that Ashlyn was fighting. I wondered how that could be, she was dead. The siren was off and on depending on traffic. I remember arriving at the hospital.
The tech in the back told the driver to take me to the quiet room. For me that sealed it. I knew Ashlyn was dead. They don't put people in the quiet room unless something is really wrong. I sat in the room with the charge nurse. She asked me questions about Ashlyn and her condition and treatments. I told her everything I could remember. She popped out to relay the information to the doctors. When she came back she sat beside me. I said "She dead isn't she." The charge nurse said she couldn't tell me that. The doctor would have to speak to me. I sat in that room crying, shredding Kleenex and staring at the clock. The nurse came and went. She was waiting for the social worker that didn't start work until 8:00. I wondered where hubby was.
We called my parent's house and got no answer. I thought that perhaps hubby had already called them. The the doctor came in. He explained that they couldn't get Ashlyn's heart to start pumping. They had injected drugs and were hoping but it didn't look good. He said that I should start to think about what I wanted to do. I told him that I couldn't make any decisions without my hubby. I just didn't want him to be angry that I went ahead with such a life and death decision that he didn't have a say in. He said okay, they would keep working on her. I asked about brain activity and was told they didn't have any monitors to check for brain activity. He would be back shortly and he left the room.
My dad arrived sometime that morning. I can't remember if it was before the doctor came in the first time or after. Anyway, I just shook my head and he burst into tears. I told him to sit down. Shortly after this we finally got ahold of hubby and I told him to come to the hospital now. He said that he was involved in an investigation and answering police questions. I said tell them to wait. You have to come to the hospital NOW. He must have finally got the message. He hung up. The charge nurse said she would do what she could to get him there fast.
It wasn't fast enough. I sat with my Dad when the doctor came back in. He explained that the drugs hadn't done anything. If they had been administered sooner, maybe but not now. He said that Ashlyn was becoming mottled and that if anything continuing to work on her was just causing suffering. I asked again about brain activity and the doc said that it was not likely. They had been working on her for over an hour and I added that we didn't know how long she had been down before EMS had arrived. He agreed. There was no hope. I told them to let her go. I don't think I have ever felt as alone as I did at that moment, even with my Dad there. This was the worst decision I had ever had to face and I had to make it alone.
There were so many people she didn't get the chance to meet. She came home and I spent most of my time, pumping, feeding, washing clothes and trying to make sure my son could still get to school. We were told she was doing fine. She was gaining weight. Ashlyn was at the upper end of the scale for weight gain. She was wearing her CPAP at night even though she didn't like it. She was eating like a little pig. Ashlyn was starting to interact with the family. Even Max our Golden Retriever was accepting her. He would lick her hand and sniff her over to make sure she was okay. If she started crying he would walk over to see what was wrong. On the other hand, the cat didn't really give her the time of day. Of course, Willow is getting on in years. Everything was going so well.
On the Thursday night we fed her like we always did. My hubby gave Ashlyn her bottle while I pumped. Then he headed up to bed while I sat up with her. Due to the possible issue of reflux she had to sit up 15 to 30 minutes after feeding. So I would sit with her at night because hubby had to get up early. I remember her lying on my chest. I would rub the top of her soft head with my chin and rub her back. I noticed that night that she had grown so much that her feet were finally reaching my waist and she wasn't the tiny little ball she used to be. I remember thinking I was going to miss that. Ashlyn was to be our last baby. My life felt complete.
I took her up to bed around 12:30 am. I rocked her gently in my arms while I slipped her tiny knitted hat on her head. The hat would keep her CPAP from slipping. I laid her gently in bed, put on her music - rather the sound of ocean waves - and slipped out of the room. I then got ready for bed and laid down for a few minutes to allow her to settle before I went back in to put on her CPAP. I got up around quarter to 1:00 and slipped into her room. I carefully slipped the nasal CPAP over her nose and tightened the straps. She made a little fuss and with her tiny fists tried to push the mask off. I quickly started the machine and then placed a hand on her tummy and gently rocked her. She settled. I stood at her bedside for a few minutes to make sure everything was in the right place, making sure the mask wasn't blocking her nose, making sure she was okay. I remember her little eyes opened just to slits and she looked at me for a minute. I told her goodnight and she closed her eyes as I slipped out of the room.
I decided not to turn on my alarm to wake me up because for the last few nights she had been waking me up to eat before the alarm went off. I decided that I would see how long she would be able to sleep. She was 2 and 1/2 months old. My son had been sleeping through the night by 3 months. Of course he was bigger and weighed more but I decided to see how it went.
I woke up around 6:15 and looked at the clock. She hadn't cried. I wondered if I should get up and wake her up. Should she have slept so long? I began to get an uneasy feeling. I tossed and turned for a few more minutes then decided I needed to get up. I went to the bathroom and then headed into her room. I don't think I will ever forget that morning for as long as I live.
The CPAP machine was still running. A blowing kind of noise. Ashlyn lay quiet and still. "Ashlyn" I said. She didn't move. I couldn't tell if she was breathing or not. Her little arms were lying close to either side of her head. She was on her back. Her blanket was folded down around her waist. I looked at her, a feeling of panic began to well up inside me. I placed my hand on her tummy and gently shook her "Ashlyn?" She was cold. I still couldn't tell if she was breathing. I shook her again. "Ashlyn!" The thought rushed into my head that perhaps something was wrong with the CPAP and it was smothering her. I riped it off her face. Terror rushed through me. "Ashlyn!" I tried to open her mouth but was afraid of hurting her and couldn't.
I picked her up and ran to our bedroom. I woke up my hubby. "I don't think Ashlyn is breathing." I so wanted him to tell me I was crazy and that everything was alright. I put her down on the bed beside him. His manner changed from "you're nuts" to concern when he placed his hand on her tummy for a moment. "Call 911." He ordered. I remember picking up the phone I don't remember dialling the number. He switched on the hands free and began to receive instructions on CPR. It is strange, we had both taken CPR before our son was born but I didn't remember anything at this point.
I ran downstairs to wait for the ambulance, to open the door. I remember standing at the window. Tears pouring down my face, wondering why it was taking them so long to get here. I kept saying, "where are you?" I heard my husband tell the 911 operator that Ashlyn was bleeding from her nose. I knew at that moment she was gone. "My baby is dead."
I heard the sirens before I saw the truck. It drove up as I unlocked the door. Two fireman in half gear stormed into the house and up the stairs. I followed them up and went into my son's room. I could see them pick her up off the floor and pound her on her back trying to start her breathing again. I told my son that Ashlyn was very sick and there were alot of people in the house. He was half asleep and didn't care. Hubby threw my clothes at me and told me to get dressed. Unfortunately they fell in the cat's water dish. I watched as the fireman and who knows who else took Ashlyn down the stairs and out of the house to the waiting ambulance.
I don't really remember what happened next. I do remember getting dressed. I don't remember leaving my son's room or how I got into my room. I don't remember going downstairs but I do remember my hubby telling me to get Ashlyn's Alberta Health card and to give it to the EMS. I grabbed my coat, don't remember which one, and headed outside. I walked to the back of the ambulance and knocked on the door. I asked if they needed the card. The EMS tech said no, get in the front. Then she slammed the door. I stood there in the snow and cold, crying, not knowing what to do.
I stood beside the ambulance, probably in shock. A police officer asked me if I was going with the ambulance. I said I didn't know. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. He said he would check and headed back into the house. I stood there for a few minutes then decided that if I was going with the ambulance I would need my cell phone. I walked back into the house. The police officer was standing at the stairs. He told me I was going with the ambulance. I said I need my phone. Hubby said you aren't calling anyone, I will. I said I need my phone and went to get it. I don't remember getting the phone. I just remember that I had it and I went out to get into the front seat of the ambulance.
It seemed to take forever before the tech got into the front seat to drive. She said I would have to tell her the quickest way to get out of our neighbourhood. I remember giving instructions. I remember issues with getting out of the cul-de-sac. I remember driving down the street. I guess we were moving pretty fast but it didn't seem so to me. I remember the lights were on. There was a point when the other EMS tech in the back popped his head in to say that Ashlyn was fighting. I wondered how that could be, she was dead. The siren was off and on depending on traffic. I remember arriving at the hospital.
The tech in the back told the driver to take me to the quiet room. For me that sealed it. I knew Ashlyn was dead. They don't put people in the quiet room unless something is really wrong. I sat in the room with the charge nurse. She asked me questions about Ashlyn and her condition and treatments. I told her everything I could remember. She popped out to relay the information to the doctors. When she came back she sat beside me. I said "She dead isn't she." The charge nurse said she couldn't tell me that. The doctor would have to speak to me. I sat in that room crying, shredding Kleenex and staring at the clock. The nurse came and went. She was waiting for the social worker that didn't start work until 8:00. I wondered where hubby was.
We called my parent's house and got no answer. I thought that perhaps hubby had already called them. The the doctor came in. He explained that they couldn't get Ashlyn's heart to start pumping. They had injected drugs and were hoping but it didn't look good. He said that I should start to think about what I wanted to do. I told him that I couldn't make any decisions without my hubby. I just didn't want him to be angry that I went ahead with such a life and death decision that he didn't have a say in. He said okay, they would keep working on her. I asked about brain activity and was told they didn't have any monitors to check for brain activity. He would be back shortly and he left the room.
My dad arrived sometime that morning. I can't remember if it was before the doctor came in the first time or after. Anyway, I just shook my head and he burst into tears. I told him to sit down. Shortly after this we finally got ahold of hubby and I told him to come to the hospital now. He said that he was involved in an investigation and answering police questions. I said tell them to wait. You have to come to the hospital NOW. He must have finally got the message. He hung up. The charge nurse said she would do what she could to get him there fast.
It wasn't fast enough. I sat with my Dad when the doctor came back in. He explained that the drugs hadn't done anything. If they had been administered sooner, maybe but not now. He said that Ashlyn was becoming mottled and that if anything continuing to work on her was just causing suffering. I asked again about brain activity and the doc said that it was not likely. They had been working on her for over an hour and I added that we didn't know how long she had been down before EMS had arrived. He agreed. There was no hope. I told them to let her go. I don't think I have ever felt as alone as I did at that moment, even with my Dad there. This was the worst decision I had ever had to face and I had to make it alone.
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