And Just When I thought . . .

Time passes so quickly.  Just when I thought I was getting on and feeling okay, I again get kicked by memories.  Of course, for me, this is the time of year for remembering.  Remembrance Day is tomorrow and yes, I know it is for veterans and our war dead.  I know that very well being the daughter of a veteran (airman) and the wife of a veteran (soldier) suffering from PTSD.  But that all said, I still find that my mind dwells more on my little one at this time of year. 

My niece's baby girl had her first birthday at the end of October and I was okay while I was there.  Afterward, I was angry and sad.  My baby should have had a first birthday.  She should have had her second.  Soon it will be her third birthday and the third anniversary of her death. 

Part of me wants to begin to pack away her room but I just can't.  I keep thinking, if she comes to visit (in a spiritual sense) where will she sleep?  I think of framing her little sleeper.  The last thing she wore.  I haven't even washed it. It still lays in her crib, as if she were still in it. But I feel it is almost like putting her behind glass and that freaks me out.  So, everything stays as it is.

Connor barely remembers her and it makes him sad when he does so I don't push it with him.  He needs to be able to get on with his life and not be surrounded constantly in sorrow.  I do know that he is very fond of his baby cousin and part of me thinks that is because he lost his sister and his cousin  is a type of replacement.


I did just notice that I didn't post a picture of Ashlyn's 2nd birthday cake so here it is.










The funeral home planted a tree in her memory but because it is planted in Fish Creek Park we couldn't actually "pick" a tree.  If you left any mementos they were going to be disposed of.  So we don't really know which tree is hers but one of them is.  Her name is also engraved on the wall.

Missing Her Never Ends

Well, this will be a short post.  I just found that I had to write something today.  I spent a few moments with my son this morning.  He likes to play Sims 3.  He was creating a new family.  This family is actually ours.  The only difference - it has Ashlyn.  He included her when he created his new game.  We spent a few minutes trying to think of how she would look and what things would have been her favourites.  It was nice but sad too.

We will never know who she really would have been.  We can only guess.  It is amazing how things that seem so insignificant are actually very important.  I will never know what her favourite colour, animal, bug, food, or article of clothing would have been.  I won't know if she would have liked the rain.  She never saw it.  She never saw a rainbow or a butterfly.  She never made a snowman or a snow angel.  I never even heard her giggle.  She never called me Mommy or said I love you.

So many possibilities lost, just because of a stroke that no one saw coming.

May Showers

I can't believe it has been so long since I posted last!  But I guess that is what I said the last time.  My life has changed quite a bit in the last few months.  I finally took the plunge and pulled my son out of school and am now homeschooling.  Part of it is fun, the teaching is fine but it can be trying never having any time to myself anymore.  I haven't been able to make it to the gym since before Christmas and it shows.  In April I had to put my beautiful cat Willow down.  It was a very difficult decision and I miss her so much.  It is very much a reminder of losing Ashlyn.  So I have been very down the last few weeks.