Christmas is here again

It is that time of year once again.  Call it Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Yule, this is supposed to be a happy season full of renewed hope.  I don't think I have much hope left.  It is a struggle.  Another Christmas without my baby girl.  The pain hasn't gone away.  I don't think it ever will.  Most of the time, I push it to the side and don't think about it because if I do, I will cry.  People seem to think it is over, a done deal.  Teachers seem to think that my son shouldn't be affected by her death anymore.  They are wrong.  We still miss her.  My boy can't even walk into the Disney store without becoming withdrawn and shy.  He is not normally a shy boy but having to walk through all the girl toys and  things brings back into focus what he has lost.  We did up shoe boxes this year for the Joi to the World program here in Calgary.  I did one for a baby girl and my son chose to do one for a little girl his own age. 

Now I am looking at my poor bare Yule/Christmas tree and trying to find the energy to decorate it.  Soon it will be Ashlyn's 2nd birthday, then the 2nd anniversary of her death.   There will never be another baby for me.  We have tossed around the idea of adoption but it seems so expensive.  Why, if the organizations want homes for these little ones, do they make it so expensive?  I can understand the background checks, etc.  They are essential but why should it cost thousands of dollars?  Anyway, I guess I will struggle on, I do have to try to make the most of this time for my son.  He is really looking forward to Santa coming to town. 

Happy Birthday Baby

Today is Ashlyn's first birthday.  I don't know what more to say.  She is still gone.  Nothing has made this easier or okay.  I miss her so much.  I have no new pregnancy or baby to fill my aching heart.  My son is hurting.  My husband is hurting.  I am hurting.  Today instead of making a pretty cake for a laughing happy little girl, I made a cake for an angel.  Instead of buying presents and singing happy birthday, we lit the candle which burned at her funeral.  I want to hold her and see her little smile but I can't.  Instead of being a happy day full of hope it was a day of sorrow for all that we have lost.  Happy Birthday Baby.  We love you so much.