Love Never Dies

This is probably the hardest post to write.  It is about moving on.  I didn't say forgetting.  There will NEVER be forgetting.  As time passes, it gets harder to remember how she felt or smelled, how heavy she was. But I will never forget her.  Every so often those memories come back and hit you and it is like yesterday.  Though now those days are getting fewer, the pain easier to deal with.  I am moving on, not forgetting.

I have seen other ladies who have lost their little ones.  Some have done as I have and moved on with life, there are new jobs, new babies, sometimes just new everyday life events.  I would never say to any of those women, how could you?  What about the baby you lost?  Because I understand.  You can't stand in the shadows grieving forever.  If I continued to do so, it would be cheating my son and my husband and my family and myself.  I still speak of Ashlyn, as I would my son.  I remember her.  I talk about her, even when no one else will.  She is my daughter.  She will always be my daughter. But I can't live in the past forever.

I have seen a few women who can't let go.  Who hang onto that memory. They are stuck in that awful time of loss. They are angry.  They are afraid.  Sometimes even I think to myself, this is not right. They need to move on but I would never say that to them.  I may say it to myself, or my husband but I would never say it to them.  To do so would be cruel, like kicking a man when he's down.  Everyone grieves in their own time and way.  Do I think that they might be putting a kink in the lives of their children? Maybe. That what could be a morbid preoccupation with the child who has passed on, screw up a sibling's psyche? Possibly.  Only time will tell.  But for those who are still in that dark, awful, cruel place comfort is what they need.  A shoulder to cry on.  Support.  Not criticism for not moving on when we think they should. Nor do they need preaching of any sort from any religion. Your faith may not help them. It may only cause more pain.  They need to find their own path, in their own time and way.

Perhaps I had it easier in some ways because I had always thought from the moment I saw those two pink lines on the pregnancy test that my time with Ashlyn was limited.  I never thought I would actually carry her to term so the days I did have were so precious. I had been preparing to let her go from the beginning, so maybe I was more prepared than some for the end.  Did I expect her to die the way she did?  Hell no.  By that time, I had been told repeatedly that she would live and everything would be fine.  It wasn't.  But still there had been that prior planning. A sort of foreknowledge that things would not work out that most mothers never feel.

So, as you likely may have guessed from the fact that posts have become fewer and fewer, this blog is slowly winding down. It has served its purpose for me.  I may post from time to time about some insight I have gained but I have survived.  In those first days, I was not so sure I would.  The pain cut and I bled grief and even when people said that it would pass and become easier, I didn't believe them.

But it did.  I survived.  My son survived.  He is marked by what happened.  He won't forget but he survived.  My marriage survived.  Many don't but mine did.  I accepted my husband as he was at that time and he accepted me.  We talked - a lot.  It helped.  Maybe the purpose of this blog in the end was for this.  To show that you can survive and move on.  That life continues, maybe a little emptier, with a hole but it does continue. 

Just remember that hole is filled with love and love never dies.

Birthdays

Hi again, it appears that I am not the most diligent of bloggers.  However, I guess I blog when I need to.  My son's birthday is coming up as is my little Grand niece's.  Now my son's birthday is not an issue but I have been invited to my little GN's.  We went last year for her 1st and things seemed okay until it we left.  Then I was angry and upset and ended up having a bit was a tiff with my husband.  So now I am faced with going through this again.  We see her during the year without much of an issue but birthdays just seem to bring out the worst. I don't know.  We will probably go.  I just hope it won't be so much of an issue this year. 

I have now given away most of Ashlyn's things.  The only furniture left is her crib which I can't figure out what to do with.  The crib was my son's first and was pretty expensive.  I just can't see throwing it out but I also can't give it away - it is too old.  Oh what to do. 

I guess I didn't post these earlier.  This is Ashlyn's 3rd Birthday cake.  I based on the decorations in her room - Tinkerbell.

Alone

Ashlyn would have been 3 on Sunday.  I think the worst part is how alone I feel right now.  No one really understands, not my husband, not my son, not my parents and certainly not the people around me.  Why do people say such cruel things?  How can I possibly ever "get over it"?  She was my daughter, my baby.  I am never going to "get over it", my daughter's death isn't the flu or a cold.  I have lost a profound part of myself.  I wanted a daughter so much.  I am the only female in a house full of boys.  I have no sisters.  I have no daughter.  I will never go shopping for pretty dresses or go with her to get her ears pierced.  There are so many things I will never get to do. 

So for those of you who wish that I would just "get over it"- go F*&! yourself!  If you don't understand or rather don't care to just leave me and my family alone.

And Just When I thought . . .

Time passes so quickly.  Just when I thought I was getting on and feeling okay, I again get kicked by memories.  Of course, for me, this is the time of year for remembering.  Remembrance Day is tomorrow and yes, I know it is for veterans and our war dead.  I know that very well being the daughter of a veteran (airman) and the wife of a veteran (soldier) suffering from PTSD.  But that all said, I still find that my mind dwells more on my little one at this time of year. 

My niece's baby girl had her first birthday at the end of October and I was okay while I was there.  Afterward, I was angry and sad.  My baby should have had a first birthday.  She should have had her second.  Soon it will be her third birthday and the third anniversary of her death. 

Part of me wants to begin to pack away her room but I just can't.  I keep thinking, if she comes to visit (in a spiritual sense) where will she sleep?  I think of framing her little sleeper.  The last thing she wore.  I haven't even washed it. It still lays in her crib, as if she were still in it. But I feel it is almost like putting her behind glass and that freaks me out.  So, everything stays as it is.

Connor barely remembers her and it makes him sad when he does so I don't push it with him.  He needs to be able to get on with his life and not be surrounded constantly in sorrow.  I do know that he is very fond of his baby cousin and part of me thinks that is because he lost his sister and his cousin  is a type of replacement.


I did just notice that I didn't post a picture of Ashlyn's 2nd birthday cake so here it is.










The funeral home planted a tree in her memory but because it is planted in Fish Creek Park we couldn't actually "pick" a tree.  If you left any mementos they were going to be disposed of.  So we don't really know which tree is hers but one of them is.  Her name is also engraved on the wall.

Missing Her Never Ends

Well, this will be a short post.  I just found that I had to write something today.  I spent a few moments with my son this morning.  He likes to play Sims 3.  He was creating a new family.  This family is actually ours.  The only difference - it has Ashlyn.  He included her when he created his new game.  We spent a few minutes trying to think of how she would look and what things would have been her favourites.  It was nice but sad too.

We will never know who she really would have been.  We can only guess.  It is amazing how things that seem so insignificant are actually very important.  I will never know what her favourite colour, animal, bug, food, or article of clothing would have been.  I won't know if she would have liked the rain.  She never saw it.  She never saw a rainbow or a butterfly.  She never made a snowman or a snow angel.  I never even heard her giggle.  She never called me Mommy or said I love you.

So many possibilities lost, just because of a stroke that no one saw coming.

May Showers

I can't believe it has been so long since I posted last!  But I guess that is what I said the last time.  My life has changed quite a bit in the last few months.  I finally took the plunge and pulled my son out of school and am now homeschooling.  Part of it is fun, the teaching is fine but it can be trying never having any time to myself anymore.  I haven't been able to make it to the gym since before Christmas and it shows.  In April I had to put my beautiful cat Willow down.  It was a very difficult decision and I miss her so much.  It is very much a reminder of losing Ashlyn.  So I have been very down the last few weeks.

Christmas is here again

It is that time of year once again.  Call it Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Yule, this is supposed to be a happy season full of renewed hope.  I don't think I have much hope left.  It is a struggle.  Another Christmas without my baby girl.  The pain hasn't gone away.  I don't think it ever will.  Most of the time, I push it to the side and don't think about it because if I do, I will cry.  People seem to think it is over, a done deal.  Teachers seem to think that my son shouldn't be affected by her death anymore.  They are wrong.  We still miss her.  My boy can't even walk into the Disney store without becoming withdrawn and shy.  He is not normally a shy boy but having to walk through all the girl toys and  things brings back into focus what he has lost.  We did up shoe boxes this year for the Joi to the World program here in Calgary.  I did one for a baby girl and my son chose to do one for a little girl his own age. 

Now I am looking at my poor bare Yule/Christmas tree and trying to find the energy to decorate it.  Soon it will be Ashlyn's 2nd birthday, then the 2nd anniversary of her death.   There will never be another baby for me.  We have tossed around the idea of adoption but it seems so expensive.  Why, if the organizations want homes for these little ones, do they make it so expensive?  I can understand the background checks, etc.  They are essential but why should it cost thousands of dollars?  Anyway, I guess I will struggle on, I do have to try to make the most of this time for my son.  He is really looking forward to Santa coming to town.