Storm

I have found that grief is like a mountain storm.  It circles around, seeming to go away, only to show up when you least expect it and pound and pour down on you like it is going to drive you into the ground.  The last week or two have been pretty rough for both my husband and myself.  We don't know why the pain gets worse.  You think you are coping well then wham, you buckle at the knees and cry and cry. 

We had to take Connor in for his shots.  I had forgotten that the last time we went in was to get Ashlyn a RSV shot.  But when we sat down in the waiting room my husband and I looked at each other and we both knew.  Then when we went into the appointment, the nurse asked us if we had any other children.  I just broke down into tears.  Yes, we did but we lost her, three months ago.  She said she was sorry, she didn't know.  I pulled myself together and got through the appointment.  Connor took his shots very well, even though they hurt.  He was a very brave little man. 

But how I miss my little girl.  I think the storm is backing off a bit but it will hit again.  I just don't know when, for how long or how hard.  Why did this have to happen to us? to me?  to her?  What did I do that was so wrong for my baby to be taken away from me?  I just don't understand.

Ashlyn's Tree

Finally a picture of Ashlyn's tree.  The flower bed around it is in the shape of a heart.  It will be easier to see once we put in the stone boarder.

Day at the Stampede

Well, going to the Calgary Stampede this year was tougher than I thought it would be. 

My entry into the Calgary Stampede Cake Decorating and Sugar Art competition was started when Ashlyn was alive and I finished it for her.  When I took it in at the end of June and saw the other cakes there, I thought - "Well, I am out of luck."  The cakes already entered were frankly awesome.  Of course they were entered into different categories (classes) but they were great.  The competition is broken down into several classes within the cake decorating section.  Mine was entered into the Novelty Class.  I knew it wouldn't win the Section and very much doubted it would win the Class.  Well, it did win the Class.  Of course, from what I could see it was the only one entered into that class so it was kind of a win by default - or at least that is how it appears to me.  I don't know if they can even decide not the give out a ribbon in the class if there is only one entry and it sucks.  Anyway, it was a win.

The next thing we went to was the BMO kids midway.  Connor had a blast.  It was okay for me until I saw a little girl.  It wasn't the baby per say that upset me.  It was her tiny little pink cowboy boots.  I had wanted to buy some for my Ashlyn.  Now I never will.  Then of course, every little girl I saw reminded me of what I would never be able to do with Ashlyn.  God it is hard not to cry in public; to try to not wreck your little boy's day.

We then headed over to the military exhibit.  We checked out the tank and part of a CF-18.  My husband dry-shot some sort of rifle over with the Rangers.  Yes, Canadians have their own Rangers.  Ours are a very different kind than the American's.  Then Connor hopped into the small boat the Navy had on display.  I don't know why he keeps heading for the Navy when his granddads are both Airforce and his Dad is Army.  I don't get it.  We then popped over to the barns to check out the horses. 

Next we went into the vendor area where all the small retailers set up.  As we wandered through I noticed moon necklaces that seemed to be glowing.  I wandering over to take a look.  At first I thought they slowly changed moon phases while you wore them but they didn't.  They were birth moon necklaces.  They have the phase of the moon on the day that you were born and once exposed to light for a period of time they "charge" enough to glow for about an hour in the dark.  I found mine first but then asked the woman to look up Ashlyn's.  I bought the necklace for my little girl.  She will never wear it but I will.  It also has a magnet that is supposed to bring good luck.  I could certainly use a little luck right now.

We then went back out to the kid's midway and Connor had a bit more fun before we wandered back over to find my parents and watch the fireworks.  Then it was time to head home on the train.  Connor loved the fireworks.  He had a really great day.  He is such a great little boy.

Six Month Old

Ashlyn would have been six months old on Tuesday.  The pain of her loss is crushing me tonight.  I miss her so much.  I can't stop crying.