Little Ashlyn lay swaddled up in a small white hospital blanket. She was still intubated because they couldn't remove the tube until the Medical Examiner got there to do a preliminary examination. I just looked at her still little body. She didn't look right. It wasn't her. She wasn't there anymore. My poor baby. Each of us held her and told her how much we loved her. I was surprised by how heavy she felt, how very cold. I rocked her and told her how sorry I was. I was sure that if I had gotten up sooner I could have saved her. It was all my fault. My poor baby was gone.
My hubby wanted to know if we should bring Connor in to see her. He is only 5 years old. We weren't sure how much he would understand. We asked the nurse, he didn't know what to say. Finally we decided to ask Connor what he wanted. I guess he decided to say good-bye because my hubby led him into the room with him. My little man walked over to Ashlyn and told her good-bye and that he loved her. He gave her a "poked nose" with his finger and then left the room with my hubby to return to playing with the police officers. I think it was then that they said the ME had arrived and would need to see Ashlyn.
We left the room and went back to the Quiet Room. Sometime that morning I the social worker had explained that as this was an unexpected and unexplained death the ME would be involved. The ME would be coming to speak to us at some point to discuss what would happen next. We waited in that little room for a few more moments before the ME came in. She asked us about Ashlyn's medical history and about our routines at home. She advised that she would have to return to our home and take pictures of Ashlyn's bedroom. I asked if there was going to be an autopsy. My hubby said he wanted one. The ME said they had to do one. I said I really didn't want one. I know what an autopsy entailed and I really didn't want my little girl put through that. But again, as with most of her short life, I had no say in the matter.
We were told we could go and say our final good-byes to Ashlyn before she was moved the ME's office. We went back into the room. I think everyone held her once again. I held her last. I rocked her little body, so cold, so still. I was torn. I didn't want to leave her there but also knew it wasn't her anymore. What made Ashlyn, Ashlyn was gone. I kissed her cold cheek and told her to be a good girl then I handed her to the nurse and left the room.
We returned to house. Connor and I went with the police and my hubby went with the ME. We all arrived at the house about the same time. There had been a police car in front of the house all the time we were gone. My house was a disaster area. I hadn't done much cleaning since Ashlyn had been born. All my time had been concentrated on her. But strangely enough I wasn't so embarrassed, that would come later. The ME, one police officer and my Hubby went upstairs to Ashlyn's room. The other police officer stayed downstairs, talking to the dog and my son. I went upstairs and watched as the ME asked a few more questions, took pictures and bagged up Ashlyn's blankets and CPAP for the investigation. Everyone left the house. We were finally alone and I just collapsed to the floor crying for my baby.
The next week went by fairly quickly. We received a call from the ME later on Friday and were advised that all they had found so far was an abnormal heart, that it was likely she died of heart failure. We are going to have to wait about 6 months for the final report. My sister-in-law came down from Cold Lake to help us out. She had lost her first son years before and knew what we were going through. Ashlyn's body was to be released on Monday and we made arrangements for the funeral home to pick her up. My hubby and I and my parents went to the funeral home to make the arrangements for her funeral. We picked out a pretty pink and lace casket. We decided that she would be cremated so that she could come with us wherever we went. We are military brats so moving is always a possibility. When we decide on a place for my hubby and I, she will be put to rest with us.
On the Wednesday, my hubby, my sister-in-law and I went for a private viewing at the funeral home. My hubby said he needed to see her. She had spent so much time in the hospital - longer than she had at home - that he was having a hard time believing she was gone and not just at the hospital. So we went. Connor stayed with my parents. We walked into the funeral home and were led to a set of wooden double doors. They had a guest book at the doors and a rose for us, which we could put in the casket if we chose. I was okay until we walked into the room and I saw her lying there in her pretty pink casket at the far end of the room. I began to sob. When I finally calmed enough I walked over to look down at her. She was dressed in her little pink outfit that we had brought her home from the hospital in and wearing her the matching hat. But it wasn't her. It didn't even really look like her, at least not to me. Her skin was icy cold and felt more like leather when you touched it then the petal soft skin she had. We cried and cried.
A second private viewing was held on Friday. We went to the funeral home with the things we were going to place into her casket. A picture of my hubby and I holding her, a picture of Connor holding her, a yellow rose (from my hubby's mom), the baby blanket I had made, the teddy our son wanted to give her, and a small braid of sweet grass to help her on her way when the time came. My family was there and my hubby's brother had made it out from Ontario. People went into the little room and said good-bye. My son ran in and out of the room giving "poked noses" to Ashlyn. Finally it was time to leave. My son said good-bye to his sister and cried a little.
We held Ashlyn's funeral on April 2. It was a week and a day following her death. It was again a wintery and stormy day. I dressed in my black pants and shirt. One of our friends came and took my son to their house because he didn't want to attend the funeral. He had said good-bye for the final time the night before during the viewing. We went to the funeral home and were met there by the rest of my family.
I went through alot of Kleenex that morning. I touched her skin and slid my finger under her sleeper to stroke her arm. I wanted to know if it felt any different where there wasn't any make up. It did. It was a little softer but just as cold. She smelled of baby powder. Finally it was time to close the casket. My hubby picked her up and we wrapped her in her blanket for the last time. Carefully she was placed back into her casket with all of her things and the lid was closed.
Many more people attended Ashlyn's funeral than I expected. My hubby and I did well with the eulogy. I had written it and didn't think it would be so hard to read but it was. He picked up where I stumbled. The celebrant who led the service was very good. Following the service there was a short reception. Once it was over and it was time to leave I didn't want to go. To leave meant that it was really over, Ashlyn was really gone. But we couldn't stay and so we left and went back to my parent's house for the remainder of the day.
