It is now May. Ashlyn has been gone for 5 weeks. She was only home for 4 weeks before she died. She came home on February 25 and I found her cold and still in her crib on March 25.
There were so many people she didn't get the chance to meet. She came home and I spent most of my time, pumping, feeding, washing clothes and trying to make sure my son could still get to school. We were told she was doing fine. She was gaining weight. Ashlyn was at the upper end of the scale for weight gain. She was wearing her CPAP at night even though she didn't like it. She was eating like a little pig. Ashlyn was starting to interact with the family. Even Max our Golden Retriever was accepting her. He would lick her hand and sniff her over to make sure she was okay. If she started crying he would walk over to see what was wrong. On the other hand, the cat didn't really give her the time of day. Of course, Willow is getting on in years. Everything was going so well.
On the Thursday night we fed her like we always did. My hubby gave Ashlyn her bottle while I pumped. Then he headed up to bed while I sat up with her. Due to the possible issue of reflux she had to sit up 15 to 30 minutes after feeding. So I would sit with her at night because hubby had to get up early. I remember her lying on my chest. I would rub the top of her soft head with my chin and rub her back. I noticed that night that she had grown so much that her feet were finally reaching my waist and she wasn't the tiny little ball she used to be. I remember thinking I was going to miss that. Ashlyn was to be our last baby. My life felt complete.
I took her up to bed around 12:30 am. I rocked her gently in my arms while I slipped her tiny knitted hat on her head. The hat would keep her CPAP from slipping. I laid her gently in bed, put on her music - rather the sound of ocean waves - and slipped out of the room. I then got ready for bed and laid down for a few minutes to allow her to settle before I went back in to put on her CPAP. I got up around quarter to 1:00 and slipped into her room. I carefully slipped the nasal CPAP over her nose and tightened the straps. She made a little fuss and with her tiny fists tried to push the mask off. I quickly started the machine and then placed a hand on her tummy and gently rocked her. She settled. I stood at her bedside for a few minutes to make sure everything was in the right place, making sure the mask wasn't blocking her nose, making sure she was okay. I remember her little eyes opened just to slits and she looked at me for a minute. I told her goodnight and she closed her eyes as I slipped out of the room.
I decided not to turn on my alarm to wake me up because for the last few nights she had been waking me up to eat before the alarm went off. I decided that I would see how long she would be able to sleep. She was 2 and 1/2 months old. My son had been sleeping through the night by 3 months. Of course he was bigger and weighed more but I decided to see how it went.
I woke up around 6:15 and looked at the clock. She hadn't cried. I wondered if I should get up and wake her up. Should she have slept so long? I began to get an uneasy feeling. I tossed and turned for a few more minutes then decided I needed to get up. I went to the bathroom and then headed into her room. I don't think I will ever forget that morning for as long as I live.
The CPAP machine was still running. A blowing kind of noise. Ashlyn lay quiet and still. "Ashlyn" I said. She didn't move. I couldn't tell if she was breathing or not. Her little arms were lying close to either side of her head. She was on her back. Her blanket was folded down around her waist. I looked at her, a feeling of panic began to well up inside me. I placed my hand on her tummy and gently shook her "Ashlyn?" She was cold. I still couldn't tell if she was breathing. I shook her again. "Ashlyn!" The thought rushed into my head that perhaps something was wrong with the CPAP and it was smothering her. I riped it off her face. Terror rushed through me. "Ashlyn!" I tried to open her mouth but was afraid of hurting her and couldn't.
I picked her up and ran to our bedroom. I woke up my hubby. "I don't think Ashlyn is breathing." I so wanted him to tell me I was crazy and that everything was alright. I put her down on the bed beside him. His manner changed from "you're nuts" to concern when he placed his hand on her tummy for a moment. "Call 911." He ordered. I remember picking up the phone I don't remember dialling the number. He switched on the hands free and began to receive instructions on CPR. It is strange, we had both taken CPR before our son was born but I didn't remember anything at this point.
I ran downstairs to wait for the ambulance, to open the door. I remember standing at the window. Tears pouring down my face, wondering why it was taking them so long to get here. I kept saying, "where are you?" I heard my husband tell the 911 operator that Ashlyn was bleeding from her nose. I knew at that moment she was gone. "My baby is dead."
I heard the sirens before I saw the truck. It drove up as I unlocked the door. Two fireman in half gear stormed into the house and up the stairs. I followed them up and went into my son's room. I could see them pick her up off the floor and pound her on her back trying to start her breathing again. I told my son that Ashlyn was very sick and there were alot of people in the house. He was half asleep and didn't care. Hubby threw my clothes at me and told me to get dressed. Unfortunately they fell in the cat's water dish. I watched as the fireman and who knows who else took Ashlyn down the stairs and out of the house to the waiting ambulance.
I don't really remember what happened next. I do remember getting dressed. I don't remember leaving my son's room or how I got into my room. I don't remember going downstairs but I do remember my hubby telling me to get Ashlyn's Alberta Health card and to give it to the EMS. I grabbed my coat, don't remember which one, and headed outside. I walked to the back of the ambulance and knocked on the door. I asked if they needed the card. The EMS tech said no, get in the front. Then she slammed the door. I stood there in the snow and cold, crying, not knowing what to do.
I stood beside the ambulance, probably in shock. A police officer asked me if I was going with the ambulance. I said I didn't know. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. He said he would check and headed back into the house. I stood there for a few minutes then decided that if I was going with the ambulance I would need my cell phone. I walked back into the house. The police officer was standing at the stairs. He told me I was going with the ambulance. I said I need my phone. Hubby said you aren't calling anyone, I will. I said I need my phone and went to get it. I don't remember getting the phone. I just remember that I had it and I went out to get into the front seat of the ambulance.
It seemed to take forever before the tech got into the front seat to drive. She said I would have to tell her the quickest way to get out of our neighbourhood. I remember giving instructions. I remember issues with getting out of the cul-de-sac. I remember driving down the street. I guess we were moving pretty fast but it didn't seem so to me. I remember the lights were on. There was a point when the other EMS tech in the back popped his head in to say that Ashlyn was fighting. I wondered how that could be, she was dead. The siren was off and on depending on traffic. I remember arriving at the hospital.
The tech in the back told the driver to take me to the quiet room. For me that sealed it. I knew Ashlyn was dead. They don't put people in the quiet room unless something is really wrong. I sat in the room with the charge nurse. She asked me questions about Ashlyn and her condition and treatments. I told her everything I could remember. She popped out to relay the information to the doctors. When she came back she sat beside me. I said "She dead isn't she." The charge nurse said she couldn't tell me that. The doctor would have to speak to me. I sat in that room crying, shredding Kleenex and staring at the clock. The nurse came and went. She was waiting for the social worker that didn't start work until 8:00. I wondered where hubby was.
We called my parent's house and got no answer. I thought that perhaps hubby had already called them. The the doctor came in. He explained that they couldn't get Ashlyn's heart to start pumping. They had injected drugs and were hoping but it didn't look good. He said that I should start to think about what I wanted to do. I told him that I couldn't make any decisions without my hubby. I just didn't want him to be angry that I went ahead with such a life and death decision that he didn't have a say in. He said okay, they would keep working on her. I asked about brain activity and was told they didn't have any monitors to check for brain activity. He would be back shortly and he left the room.
My dad arrived sometime that morning. I can't remember if it was before the doctor came in the first time or after. Anyway, I just shook my head and he burst into tears. I told him to sit down. Shortly after this we finally got ahold of hubby and I told him to come to the hospital now. He said that he was involved in an investigation and answering police questions. I said tell them to wait. You have to come to the hospital NOW. He must have finally got the message. He hung up. The charge nurse said she would do what she could to get him there fast.
It wasn't fast enough. I sat with my Dad when the doctor came back in. He explained that the drugs hadn't done anything. If they had been administered sooner, maybe but not now. He said that Ashlyn was becoming mottled and that if anything continuing to work on her was just causing suffering. I asked again about brain activity and the doc said that it was not likely. They had been working on her for over an hour and I added that we didn't know how long she had been down before EMS had arrived. He agreed. There was no hope. I told them to let her go. I don't think I have ever felt as alone as I did at that moment, even with my Dad there. This was the worst decision I had ever had to face and I had to make it alone.
