Who was Ashlyn? She was a dream, a vision. She was my beautiful baby girl. She was only here for a short time and then she was gone.
Ashlyn's story started long before she was born. You see I had had my son in 2005. It was my plan to wait for a couple of years before trying for a second. I didn't think I would run into any problems. I became pregnant with Connor only weeks after coming off of birth control. It had been so easy. But I was soon to learn that having a baby is not as simple as it seems. At least not for me.
I came off birth control pills in June 2007. I was pregnant by July. I thought great, here we go. No problem. But of course there was a problem and I lost the baby in August. I was heartbroken but I also knew that miscarriages are fairly common. Many women have at least one in their life. So we tried again. In January 2008 I was pregnant again. I believed things were going well until sometime in March. I began to have a bad feeling that something was wrong. I had an ultrasound. I was told the baby was small for my dates but I could have miscalculated. I knew I hadn't miscalculated. It took almost 2 weeks for the bleeding to start. 2 weeks of doctors not telling me what was going on. I rushed to Emergency on April 2 due to the bleeding. I was told that I was fully dilated and definitely having a miscarriage. Due to the amount of bleeding I could have a D&C. I opted for the surgery. I was traumatized and again heartbroken. I will never forget many of the details of that day. I was so scared. I knew my baby was gone and had begun to fear for my life. What would happen to my son if I died? After surgery I only remember feeling so empty.
Surprisingly for some I couldn't give up on my dream of having a second child. I became pregnant again in June 2008 and miscarried in July. I tried again and became pregnant yet again in September 2008 only to be told that there was no heartbeat in December 2008, less than 2 weeks before Christmas. Again I miscarried naturally at home. 4 losses in a matter of months. I didn't know what was wrong and was finally referred to a specialist.
2009 was spent dealing with tests at the fertility clinic that turned up nothing. I was suffering from "unexplained secondary infertility". I turned then to acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicine, which while it made me feel better, did not result in a pregnancy. I was told by my TCM doctor that my body needed to recover. I had had too many pregnancies too close together. At a deep level I agreed with her. Finally in July 2009, my body and mind had had all it could take. I had been working full-time then and all it took was an off-hand demanding comment from a neurotic boss and I crumbled. I didn't even really know why. I completely fell apart. I went on short term disability and within weeks had quit my job.
By the end of 2009 I was beginning to accept that I would never become pregnant again, never have another baby. It hurt like hell. I felt so guilty that my dear little boy would be an only child, that once my husband and I were gone he would alone. During the first months of 2010, I started to refocus my dreams. I concentrated on what I could do with my son. He would be starting school in the fall and I began to deal with not having him with me, having to allow another adult into his life. I have always been very protective of my son and I didn't know if I could let him go. His first day of school was a killer. I cried all the way home after dropping him off.
It was on a warm spring day at the end of April 2010 after my husband asked a few questions that I realized I was late. The next day I took a pregnancy test and I was pregnant! But I was so sure it was wrong. I bought another test the next day. Again it was positive. I was excited and happy but terrified, so sure something would go wrong. I called the fertility clinic and was immediately put on progesterone and weekly blood tests. At 5 weeks I began to bleed. I was sure it was over. I called the clinic in tears. I was booked in for an ultrasound the next day. The ultrasound showed what appeared to be 2 sacs, although only one appeared to have a fetal pole. Twins! Wow! I couldn't believe it. The doctor could not find any bleeding. He scheduled me for follow-up ultrasound the next week.
At 6 weeks, there was only one sac left. If there had been a twin, it was now gone. They also found a small bleed near the placenta. I consulted with the doctor who commented that my HCG levels were quite high but that could be because of the lost twin, as could the bleeding. I left feeling a bit more confident. Honestly I wasn't overly struck by the possible loss of a twin. I still had one baby, at least for now. The bleeding stopped around 8 weeks. Things seemed to be going well but I was still full of doubt and terrible constant morning sickness.
At 12 weeks I went for my Triple Screen/NT ultrasound. I was so sure that the baby would be dead, as the last 4 of my babies had been by this time. Two of them had been diagnosed at this test. I waited with my breath held, trying not to cry. But the baby was there, wiggling away. The ultrasound test showed a healthy baby. They couldn't give me the test results of the blood work because the computers were down but they didn't see a reason to worry. The next day we received the call.
I said that I wasn't really worried about the blood test results. The woman on the other end said they weren't good. I began to shake, trying to control the fear. I was told I had a 1:2 chance of having a baby with Down Syndrome, 1:45 for Trisomy 18 and 1:20 for Trisomy 13. I was devastated. How could this have happened? I was given a choice to go for amnio. I refused it and went to speak to my husband. I couldn't chance an amnio killing a perfectly healthy baby. I just couldn't lose another baby. There were many reasons my blood results could be off - the possible lost twin, having a girl. I clung to these possibilities.
We did our reading and decided that since amnio can only give a "yes" or "no" answer, it wasn't worth it. It could not determine whether there were any physical defects. We would wait until the 18 week ultrasound to determine if there were any real physical issues that we would be dealing with. The baby came through the ultrasound with flying colours. Also, we were told that the baby was a girl. My wished for and wanted baby girl!
I continued with the pregnancy completely content with my decision. I read up on Down Syndrome which I saw as the most likely issue, if there was one, due to the lack of obvious physical issues that commonly accompany the other trisomies. The thought of raising a child with DS was scary but there was also a 50% chance that she wouldn't have it. We hung onto that possibility.
At 28 weeks I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. High blood pressure had been diagnosed back at 12 weeks. I had to attend the GD clinic and within 2 weeks of that I was on insulin. I started requiring biophysical profiles - ultrasounds every 2 weeks with blood pressure checks. Still my baby kept going strong. Even then I was so sure something would go wrong. I don't think I ever really believed she would be born. I was told due to my complications there would be no way I would be going to a full 40 weeks. The major concern (other than my blood pressure) was having a baby that was too big to deliver. She was also transverse throughout most of the pregnancy. If she didn't turn, I was looking at a C-section.
Finally on January 11, only weeks before my due date, my husband and I agreed on a name. He came up with Ashley. I didn't want Ashley - too common for my special girl. I looked the name up on the Internet to see if there was an uncommon form of the name and found Ashlyn. In Irish Ashlyn meant vision or dream. She was my dream and I thought it suited her. I spoke to my husband and he agreed. Ashlyn Elizabeth she would be.
